Thursday, May 9, 2013
My name is Victoria and I use to have an eating disorder
People don't just stop eating just for the hell of it. There's a trigger; a reason why they don't want to eat. For me, it began in 2009 when I was going through a divorce. I didn't realize that I had stopped eating. After moving in with my family, my days consisted of crying and sleeping. The stress had taken it's toll and I was eating only one meal per day. I remember getting dressed one day and my jean skirt fell off of my hips. My shirts were baggy and I went down a bra size. At 5 foot 4 inches tall, I originally weighed 115 pounds. I had dropped to 99 pounds. My clothing size had gone from medium to extra small.
I married when I was young. I went from living with my parents to getting married and moving in with my then-husband. I had never lived alone and after my divorce, I got a full time job in early childhood education and moved into my own place. It was the first time I had to support myself. And it was hard. Although I was working 40 hours a week, I was barely making enough for rent, bills and food. Food was the one thing I felt I could live without since I got use to the hunger pains. I also liked how tiny my waist had become. Although I suffered from fatigue and headaches, I learned to live with it. I liked it. I liked feeling the pain in my stomach and looking down to see how flat it was. And women were constantly complimenting me on how skinny I was. It made me feel beautiful. I began modeling professionally and knew I had to maintain a thin frame so I continued to eat only once, maybe twice a day.
The sadness from my divorce still lingered. I found myself in a string of bad relationships, which furthered my depression. Some days I went to bed early without eating at all. I was sick alot and was constantly at the doctor. My eyebrows had begun to fall out. This meant nothing to me however. I ignored the concerns coming from my family. I felt I looked better this way.
I haven't had the desire to starve myself. I've been healthy for a year now. Currently my focus is making better choices in food and staying active. My stomach isn't as tiny and flat as it use to be but that's okay. It just means I need to get my butt moving and actually work on my body. The bigger bra size is definitely a plus, going from a B cup to a C cup. I'm back to a size medium and weigh 120 pounds. What began as a broken heart progressed to an obsession with food and body image. Today I've gotten use to my curves and realize that starvation is not the path to beauty.
Eating Disorder Treatment and Recovery